Jokes and Stuff

[moslowjj]

A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION ON GENEALOGY
>
> Genealogy
>
> A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race
> appear?'
>
> The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they
> had children and so was all mankind made.'
>
> Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
> The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys
> from which the human race evolved.'
>
> The confused girl returned to her father and said,
> 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human
> race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from
> monkeys?'
>
> The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I
> told you about my side of the family and your mother told
> you about hers.'


neenerneenerneenerneenerneenerneener

 

[casinosally0]

picture of the year

The intensity of the dog's face shows more sincerity than that of most people!

Picture of the year!!

'Dear Lord: Thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house
and not to Michael Vick's -AMEN!'

 

[retro666]

A boat was docked in a tiny Newfoundland fishing village.
> >
> > A tourist from Toronto complimented the Newfie fisherman on the quality
> > of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
> >
> > 'Not very long,' answered the Newfie.
> >
> > 'But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?' asked the
> > Torontonian.
> >
> > The Newfie explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his
> > needs and those of his family.
> >
> > The Torontonian asked, 'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'
> >
> > 'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take an
> > afternoon nap with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to
> > see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few
> > songs... I have a full life.'
> >
> > The Torontonian interrupted, 'I have an MBA from Queen's University and
> > I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can
> > then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy
> > a bigger boat.'
> >
> > 'And after that?' asked the Newfie.
> >
> > 'With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second
> > one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
> > trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
> > negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
> > own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to St John's,
> > Halifax, or even Toronto! From there you can direct your huge new
> > enterprise.'
> >
> > 'How long would that take?' asked the Newfie.
> >
> > 'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,' replied the Torontonian.
> >
> > 'And after that?'
> >
> > 'Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting,'
> > answered the Torontonian, laughing. 'When your business gets really big,
> > you can start selling stocks and make millions!'
> >
> > 'Millions? Really? And after that?' said the Newfie.
> >
> > 'After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
> > coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take an
> > afternoon nap with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and
> > enjoying your friends.'
> >
> > And the moral is:
> >
> > Know where you're going in life ... You may already be there!

 

[judyb57]

Whoa, I was chuckling all the way through that hon and then got to the end and HOW TRUE that is!!!

 

[judyb57]

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES



A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[moslowjj]

:hammer:hammer:hammer:hammer:hammer:hammer

 

[CareyG]

OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

​

 

[bigtime]

very nice ,all were great reads and funny......thanks./.........neener666

 

[judyb57]

Grandparents


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old
baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?"


The little boy nodded in the affirmative.


"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose
together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.


"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out
is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.


He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy
gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach a dumb ass is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your grandmother".

 

[judyb57]

What women should tell men…. but don’t

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we’re watching football with you - it’s not bonding - it’s their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss. Source: Unknown

 

[CareyG]

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

How true is that!!​

 

[iataz]

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat! ( I love this one)

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

 

[judyb57]

Signs That You're Drinking Too Much Coffee:

* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You ride an exercise bike to work.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You jog to work and arrive yesterday.
* Your farts smell like Jamaica Blue Mountain.
* Your eyes are brown...even the white parts.
* You spend the weekend cross-country skiing....and cross the country!
* You think skydiving is just too ~love~ slow.

 

[judyb57]

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Now I know what my problem is!!

 

[CareyG]

You help your dog chase its tail.

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