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Jokes and Stuff
- Thread starter CareyG
- Start date
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THESE ARE GENUINE CLIPS FROM COUNCIL COMPLAINT LETTERS:
1: Mybush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.
2: He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and i just can't take anymore.
3: Its the dog mess i find hard to swallow.
4: I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7: I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8: My lavatory is cracked, where do i stand?
9: I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10: Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11: I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12: 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
13: I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15: Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16: Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and now split into 3 pieces.
17: I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now gettin too much for me!
18: The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
19: Our kitchen floor is damp, we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.
20: I am a single women living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man of top of me every night.
21: Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22: I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but i still get no satisfaction.
23: This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still cant get bbc2.
1: Mybush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing.
2: He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and i just can't take anymore.
3: Its the dog mess i find hard to swallow.
4: I want some repairs done to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6: And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7: I wish to complain that the tiles are missing from my outside toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8: My lavatory is cracked, where do i stand?
9: I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10: Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11: I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12: 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
13: I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14: The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15: Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16: Our lavatory seat is broken in half, and now split into 3 pieces.
17: I wish to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now gettin too much for me!
18: The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
19: Our kitchen floor is damp, we have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.
20: I am a single women living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man of top of me every night.
21: Please send a man round with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22: I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times, but i still get no satisfaction.
23: This is to let you know our lavatory seat is broken and we still cant get bbc2.
Da Vinci Code...
Written across the wall of the cave were
Written across the wall of the cave were
the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the
writings were said to be at least
Three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought
to the museum, and archaeologists from
around the world came to study the ancient
symbols. They held a huge meeting after
months of conferences to discuss the meaning
of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first
drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can
see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the
next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart
enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means
they had tools to help them.'
Even further proof of their high intelligence is
the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth
and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David
which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the
back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew
is read from right to left..... It says: 'Holy
Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick.
WooHooWooHoo
It was considered a unique find and the
writings were said to be at least
Three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought
to the museum, and archaeologists from
around the world came to study the ancient
symbols. They held a huge meeting after
months of conferences to discuss the meaning
of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first
drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can
see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the
next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart
enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means
they had tools to help them.'
Even further proof of their high intelligence is
the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth
and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David
which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the
back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew
is read from right to left..... It says: 'Holy
Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick.
WooHooWooHoo
I have always said that if reincarnation is true, I want to come back as a MAN, lol. Of course my whole family consists of males. I had three boys no girls, then my husband(s) lol, and every pet we have had is male. Fortunately my first grandchild was a girl cause I only got two more and they are both males, lol.
*Pet Training*
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"
Don't drink and bet.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
Hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he recognize any animals`s skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them the caliber use that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
The hunter was blindfolded carefully and taken his first animal skin. After
feeling it for a few moments, he announced 'Bear'. Then he felt the bullet hole and declared,' Shot with a .308 rifle.' He was right. They brought him another skin from someone`s car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, ELK shot with a 7mm Magnum rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again ,every time against a round of drinks.
Finnally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife,' I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?' His wife angrily replied,' I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
Hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he recognize any animals`s skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them the caliber use that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
The hunter was blindfolded carefully and taken his first animal skin. After
feeling it for a few moments, he announced 'Bear'. Then he felt the bullet hole and declared,' Shot with a .308 rifle.' He was right. They brought him another skin from someone`s car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, ELK shot with a 7mm Magnum rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again ,every time against a round of drinks.
Finnally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife,' I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?' His wife angrily replied,' I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S . Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great l ife!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. it's true that you and I have been married for seven y ears, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we coul d work it out. So when I won the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S . Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great l ife!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. it's true that you and I have been married for seven y ears, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we coul d work it out. So when I won the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
