Jokes and Stuff

[judyb57]

SECRET TO LIVING A LONG LIFE

This old gal was sitting on her front step, so I walked up to her and said,"You look really happy! What is your secret for a long, happy life?"

"I smoke ten stogies a day," she said, "and before I go to bed I smoke a big joint. I've eaten junk food all my life, and I put away a fifth of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends I pop pills, and I never exercise."



"Absolutely amazing," I replied. "How old are you?"



"Twenty-four." ​

 

[CareyG]

​

 

[judyb57]

QUESTIONS ABOUT MEN (Sorry guys, lol)


Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's *****?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their *****es?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

 

[judyb57]

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's *****?
A. His body.

ROFLMAO, where is gufus? She will LOVE that one! HEHEHE!

 

[CareyG]

Haha those are funny Judy!:grinclap:grinclap​

 

[judyb57]

***FROM MY INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS BUREAU***​

CNN reports that gas stations across the nation will start showing porn movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else being screwed
the same time you are !​

 

[CareyG]

 

[iataz]

For the first time in history doctors and scientists have been able to get a true scan of the male brain

<img src="http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p90/iataz08/MEN.gif">​

 

[judyb57]

HAHAHAHAHA!! Too funny!!!

 

[CareyG]

Yepp I bet that is exactly what it looks like!​

 

[iataz]

Yepp I bet that is exactly what it looks like!

It is they used my ex-husband as an example

 

[CareyG]

Oh shit really?? I could have sworn that peckerhead was my ex's!​

 

[iataz]

Peckerhead.

LMAO

 

[moslowjj]

Ain't it the truth............

 

[CALizzz]

Hey jJ- nevermind the rest on the billboard but if that were the case-

I'D HAVE NO FRIENDS!

XoX

( I only hang with people who are slightly bent, freaks, beats and social outcasts )

 

[moslowjj]

Dang I can't get nothin right today!!!!

 

[judyb57]

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his
buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing
terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart,"
"Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70
years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and
said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these
years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth,"
he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

 

[CareyG]

I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

​

 

[lucky639]

 

[lucky639]

Dear Tide :



I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told
me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it
even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red
wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing
led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my
new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach
alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of
the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well
the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA
tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect
in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough
without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.




Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.