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Jokes of the day!
- Thread starter weesie
- Start date
too funny twobears!!
...In the state of Alabama, if you put salt on a railroad track, death is the punishment.
Sprinkle pepper or any other spice, though, and you're perfectly alright....If you live in Fairbanks, Alaska, forget about feeding booze to a moose, because it's against the law.
Sorry, guys, no more cold ones for Bullwinkle. Guess he can be the designated driver.
...In Tombstone, Arizona, it's illegal for citizens over the age of 18-years-old to have more than one tooth missing when smiling.
Guess nobody who's ever been on the Jerry Springer show will ever be able to live there.
...In Little Rock, Arkansas, any flirtation on city streets between men and women could garner you 30 days in jail.
Are you sure Bill Clinton used to live there?
...In California, which has always been a little bonkers, it's a misdemeanor to shoot at game from a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale.
Okay, so then it's okay to do a drive-by of a beluga?
...In Colorado (Denver), dog catchers are required, for 3 days straight, to post notifications on trees in the city park and public road running through the park that notifies dogs of impounding.
But what if the dogs are illiterate?
...In some parts of Connecticut, it's illegal for fire trucks to go over 25 mph, at any time.
So those folks in that burning building had just better be patient!
...In Lewes, Delaware, it's unlawful to wear pants with a firm-fitting waist.
Who runs this town, Janice ****inson?
...In the state of Florida, showering naked is considered to be an offense.
Showering fully clothed, however, is only considered to be idiotic.
...In Georgia, it's against the law to keep a donkey in a bathtub.
Yes, but what if he really reeks?
...In the beautiful state of Hawaii, you are not allowed to put coins in your ears
There goes my magic trick!
...In Idaho, a man is breaking the law if he gives his woman a box of candy under 50 pounds.
At last, a law I can respect!
...In Champaign, Illinois, it is illegal to urinate in your neighbor's mouth.
What kind of people live in this town that you actually have to pass a law to tell them something like this?
...It's against the law to talk behind somebody's back or gossip spitefully about them in Indiana.
Evidently, no women live in this state.
...If you're a one armed piano player in Iowa, you must perform for free.
Can you charge a fee if you play with your feet?
...In Topeka, Kansas, you are not allowed to install a bathtub.
If you want a bath, honey, you'll just have to hose down somewhere!
...In Lexington, Kentucky, you are only considered to be "drunk" when you "cannot hold on to the ground"
So, as long as you can touch the sidewalk after a few shots of rye, then, by all means, go ahead and get behind the wheel of that Chevy!
...In Louisiana, you cannot gargle in public places.
Gargling, I'm sure you've heard, is the leading cause of juvenile delinquency
...In Maine, you could get in big trouble with the law for stepping out of a plane that's still in flight
Can you say "No Brainer"?
...In Maryland, it's against the law to take a lion to the movies.
Dang! And I was just thinking of taking Simba along to see that Madonna film retrospective!
...In Boston, Massachusetts, they still have it on the law books that it's illegal to play the fiddle
Guess the vice squad should be rounding up those ruthless law breakers in the Boston Philharmonic's string section any day now.
...In Michigan, you can be sued by a robber who got injured while in your house
This means, I guess, that someone who broke into your home and may have even held you hostage, can file suit against you if he gets a paper cut in the course of ransacking your house.
..On the mean streets of any place in Minnesota, you best not cross the state line with a duck on top of your head.
A vulture, however, is just dandy,
...In some parts of Mississippi, you're not allowed to shave in the center of the main street.
Does this apply to both men and women?
In Kansas City, Missouri, minors can't buy cap pistols, but they are able to buy shotguns, without any trouble at all.
How gratifying to know that little Bubba, Jr., who also collects serial killer trading cards, can go out now and purchase that double-barreled shotgun from Billy Bob's Gun Shop.
...If you're a man who resides in Omaha, Nebraska, you cannot run around the streets with a shaved chest.
This is a wonderful city for hairy, bear-like men to settle down in.
,,,In Nevada, you can't drive a camel on a highway.
But prostitution is legal!
...By law, cattle crossing state roads in New Hampshire have to be fitted with a feces-collecting device.
Bet the folks who get to put the devices on these varmints are having "loads" of fun.
...In New Jersey, frowning at a policeman is not just rude, it's against the law.
I guess this applies, even if you are being tased by a cop at the time.
...In Corazozo, New Mexico, unshaven women cannot appear in public.
Not the place for bearded ladies to move to!
...If you jump off a building in the state of New York, the penalty is death.
Considering that the jump itself will probably kill you, that's a pretty moot point, isn't it?
...In North Carolina, it is illegal to sing off-key.
If American Idol ever decides to hold auditions in NC, the jail cells will be filled to capacity.
...In North Dakota, you better not wear shoes to bed or you're breaking the law.
Make sure you take those Nikes off before you hit the hay or you risk opening your eyes in the morning and feeling the cold, hard steel of a law enforcement officer's gun pressed against your nose!
,,,In Marian, Ohio, don't walk backwards on a city street while eating doughnuts.
Why would you want to?
...In Oklahoma, you can get thrown in the slammer for making an ugly face at a dog.
This holds true, even if he made a face at you first.
...In Myrtle Creek, Oregon, it's illegal to box with a kangaroo.
Tragically, this prevents disgraced pugilist Mike Tyson from being able to take on the only opponent anybody would be willing to pay to see him fight now.
...Women in Morrisville, Pennsylvania have to have a permit to wear cosmetics
That means that you can call the cops on that Avon representative that keeps leaving those irritating little catalogs in your front door handle and accuse her of trying to persuade you to break the law.
...In Rhode Island, any marriage in which either the bride or groom is an idiot or lunatic is considered null and void.
No further comment needed for this one!
...In Fountain Inn, South Carolina, horses are required to wear pants.
Britney Spears could learn a lesson or two from these animals.
...Lying down and falling asleep in a cheese factory in South Dakota is illegal.
This is because you could very well awaken to find yourself encased in a large barrel of cheddar.
...Good news! Tennessee allows you to gather up and eat roadkill.
Yum! I can just taste that squished possum casserole right now!
...In Texas, the Encyclopedia Britannica is banned, due to it having a formula describing how to make beer.
And besides that, it could lead to something really serious, like intelligence.
...If you live in Utah, you can marry your cousin, once you reach the age of 50.
Who needs an online dating site to find the love of your life when all you have to do is show up at the next family reunion?
...You are required to bathe on Saturdays in Barre, Vermont.
You can, however, be as ripe as you please on the other six days of the week.
...In Norfolk, Virginia, it's against the law for a man to pat a women on the butt.
Wow, talk about overcrowded jails!
...In Lynden, Washington, drinking and dancing cannot be held at the same place
Because everyone knows, of course, that drunk dancing kills.
...In Nicholas County, West Virginia, preachers cannot tell humorous stories from the pulpit
They can, though, bore their congregations with long, boring sermons.
...In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, it's illegal to worry a squirrel.
You may, however perplex, puzzle and baffle one....
...Wyoming law prohibits you from snapping a photo of a rabbit during the entire month of June.
June is such a hot, sticky month and the bunnies feel they don't look their best then, since they have a number of bad "hare" days during that time.
Sprinkle pepper or any other spice, though, and you're perfectly alright....If you live in Fairbanks, Alaska, forget about feeding booze to a moose, because it's against the law.
Sorry, guys, no more cold ones for Bullwinkle. Guess he can be the designated driver.
...In Tombstone, Arizona, it's illegal for citizens over the age of 18-years-old to have more than one tooth missing when smiling.
Guess nobody who's ever been on the Jerry Springer show will ever be able to live there.
...In Little Rock, Arkansas, any flirtation on city streets between men and women could garner you 30 days in jail.
Are you sure Bill Clinton used to live there?
...In California, which has always been a little bonkers, it's a misdemeanor to shoot at game from a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale.
Okay, so then it's okay to do a drive-by of a beluga?
...In Colorado (Denver), dog catchers are required, for 3 days straight, to post notifications on trees in the city park and public road running through the park that notifies dogs of impounding.
But what if the dogs are illiterate?
...In some parts of Connecticut, it's illegal for fire trucks to go over 25 mph, at any time.
So those folks in that burning building had just better be patient!
...In Lewes, Delaware, it's unlawful to wear pants with a firm-fitting waist.
Who runs this town, Janice ****inson?
...In the state of Florida, showering naked is considered to be an offense.
Showering fully clothed, however, is only considered to be idiotic.
...In Georgia, it's against the law to keep a donkey in a bathtub.
Yes, but what if he really reeks?
...In the beautiful state of Hawaii, you are not allowed to put coins in your ears
There goes my magic trick!
...In Idaho, a man is breaking the law if he gives his woman a box of candy under 50 pounds.
At last, a law I can respect!
...In Champaign, Illinois, it is illegal to urinate in your neighbor's mouth.
What kind of people live in this town that you actually have to pass a law to tell them something like this?
...It's against the law to talk behind somebody's back or gossip spitefully about them in Indiana.
Evidently, no women live in this state.
...If you're a one armed piano player in Iowa, you must perform for free.
Can you charge a fee if you play with your feet?
...In Topeka, Kansas, you are not allowed to install a bathtub.
If you want a bath, honey, you'll just have to hose down somewhere!
...In Lexington, Kentucky, you are only considered to be "drunk" when you "cannot hold on to the ground"
So, as long as you can touch the sidewalk after a few shots of rye, then, by all means, go ahead and get behind the wheel of that Chevy!
...In Louisiana, you cannot gargle in public places.
Gargling, I'm sure you've heard, is the leading cause of juvenile delinquency
...In Maine, you could get in big trouble with the law for stepping out of a plane that's still in flight
Can you say "No Brainer"?
...In Maryland, it's against the law to take a lion to the movies.
Dang! And I was just thinking of taking Simba along to see that Madonna film retrospective!
...In Boston, Massachusetts, they still have it on the law books that it's illegal to play the fiddle
Guess the vice squad should be rounding up those ruthless law breakers in the Boston Philharmonic's string section any day now.
...In Michigan, you can be sued by a robber who got injured while in your house
This means, I guess, that someone who broke into your home and may have even held you hostage, can file suit against you if he gets a paper cut in the course of ransacking your house.
..On the mean streets of any place in Minnesota, you best not cross the state line with a duck on top of your head.
A vulture, however, is just dandy,
...In some parts of Mississippi, you're not allowed to shave in the center of the main street.
Does this apply to both men and women?
In Kansas City, Missouri, minors can't buy cap pistols, but they are able to buy shotguns, without any trouble at all.
How gratifying to know that little Bubba, Jr., who also collects serial killer trading cards, can go out now and purchase that double-barreled shotgun from Billy Bob's Gun Shop.
...If you're a man who resides in Omaha, Nebraska, you cannot run around the streets with a shaved chest.
This is a wonderful city for hairy, bear-like men to settle down in.
,,,In Nevada, you can't drive a camel on a highway.
But prostitution is legal!
...By law, cattle crossing state roads in New Hampshire have to be fitted with a feces-collecting device.
Bet the folks who get to put the devices on these varmints are having "loads" of fun.
...In New Jersey, frowning at a policeman is not just rude, it's against the law.
I guess this applies, even if you are being tased by a cop at the time.
...In Corazozo, New Mexico, unshaven women cannot appear in public.
Not the place for bearded ladies to move to!
...If you jump off a building in the state of New York, the penalty is death.
Considering that the jump itself will probably kill you, that's a pretty moot point, isn't it?
...In North Carolina, it is illegal to sing off-key.
If American Idol ever decides to hold auditions in NC, the jail cells will be filled to capacity.
...In North Dakota, you better not wear shoes to bed or you're breaking the law.
Make sure you take those Nikes off before you hit the hay or you risk opening your eyes in the morning and feeling the cold, hard steel of a law enforcement officer's gun pressed against your nose!
,,,In Marian, Ohio, don't walk backwards on a city street while eating doughnuts.
Why would you want to?
...In Oklahoma, you can get thrown in the slammer for making an ugly face at a dog.
This holds true, even if he made a face at you first.
...In Myrtle Creek, Oregon, it's illegal to box with a kangaroo.
Tragically, this prevents disgraced pugilist Mike Tyson from being able to take on the only opponent anybody would be willing to pay to see him fight now.
...Women in Morrisville, Pennsylvania have to have a permit to wear cosmetics
That means that you can call the cops on that Avon representative that keeps leaving those irritating little catalogs in your front door handle and accuse her of trying to persuade you to break the law.
...In Rhode Island, any marriage in which either the bride or groom is an idiot or lunatic is considered null and void.
No further comment needed for this one!
...In Fountain Inn, South Carolina, horses are required to wear pants.
Britney Spears could learn a lesson or two from these animals.
...Lying down and falling asleep in a cheese factory in South Dakota is illegal.
This is because you could very well awaken to find yourself encased in a large barrel of cheddar.
...Good news! Tennessee allows you to gather up and eat roadkill.
Yum! I can just taste that squished possum casserole right now!
...In Texas, the Encyclopedia Britannica is banned, due to it having a formula describing how to make beer.
And besides that, it could lead to something really serious, like intelligence.
...If you live in Utah, you can marry your cousin, once you reach the age of 50.
Who needs an online dating site to find the love of your life when all you have to do is show up at the next family reunion?
...You are required to bathe on Saturdays in Barre, Vermont.
You can, however, be as ripe as you please on the other six days of the week.
...In Norfolk, Virginia, it's against the law for a man to pat a women on the butt.
Wow, talk about overcrowded jails!
...In Lynden, Washington, drinking and dancing cannot be held at the same place
Because everyone knows, of course, that drunk dancing kills.
...In Nicholas County, West Virginia, preachers cannot tell humorous stories from the pulpit
They can, though, bore their congregations with long, boring sermons.
...In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, it's illegal to worry a squirrel.
You may, however perplex, puzzle and baffle one....
...Wyoming law prohibits you from snapping a photo of a rabbit during the entire month of June.
June is such a hot, sticky month and the bunnies feel they don't look their best then, since they have a number of bad "hare" days during that time.
