Jokes and Stuff

[lynnyadg]

this is too funny,my mom happened to be sitting with me while i was playing in the casino,i had the screen smaller so i could do other things,all of a sudden she says,maybe if the screen was bigger,that might make a difference if you get bonus round,roflmao,she seriously thought it would make a difference,trying to explain to her that no matter the screen size it still plays the same,oh lord it took a while,that was so funny,

 

[judyb57]

LMAO, that was nice of "mom" to try and think of things that might help you win though!

 

[lynnyadg]

yes,but she really did have a moment,yes moms are the best,especially when mine keeps me in stitches,

 

[CareyG]

Awww lol how cute of your mom!​

 

[moslowjj]

MEN.................

"That rotten husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.



"You didn't do it, did you?"



"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is now paid up for 6 months./

 

[CareyG]

What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is now paid up for 6 months./

WooHooWooHoo

 

[judyb57]

 

[judyb57]

These are great, I stole them from Nieceys Realm of Friends! Thank you Denise!!!

An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet
my pants."



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and
it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "
What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
being discharged. However, while working as a student
nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed
and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let
me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful."

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After
catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

 

[CareyG]

No," he replied, "Arthritis."

​

 

[moslowjj]

Thank you Judy...Too funny.........WooHoo

 

[iataz]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his Lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:




Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my Interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little Something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, Pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short Lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her Adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of Electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the Face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
Couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little Soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to Try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and Thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give This thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some Assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser In another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your Assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major Loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your Assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than Three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at This little device measuring
about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in Circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A Batteries) thinking to myself,
'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm Sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to Say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny Little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one Second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, Pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in The recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over Again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears In my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be Found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and Tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a Picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid Getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of Caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a Violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered Conservative?


SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still
looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

 

[CareyG]

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

OMG too funny!! Hey if you wanna play then you shall pay!!neener​

 

[casinosally0]

> > Proof That The World Is Nuts :world
> >
> >
> > In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
> > animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
> > relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like
> > THAT makes sense.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
> > woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
> > directly at them during the examination. He may only see
> > their reflection in a mirror.
> >
> > (Do they look different reversed?)ugly
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
> > corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of
> > the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood
> > at all times.
> >
> >
> > (A brick?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> > decapitation.
> >
> >
> > (Much worse than "going blind!")
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
> > the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them
> > for the privilege of having sex For the first time
> >
> > Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
> > virgins to marry.
> >
> >
> > (Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job
> > anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill
> > her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare
> > hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
> > may be killed in any manner desired.
> >
> >
> > (Ah! Justice!):chainsaw
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but
> > only in tropical fish stores.
> >
> >
> > (But of course!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
> > husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must
> > be in the room to witness the act.
> >
> >
> > (Makes one shudder at the thought.):dizzy
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~
> >
> >
> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have
> > sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
> >
> >
> > (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to
> > pass this law?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*:hammer
> >
> >
> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
> > machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed
> > from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic
> > beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
> >
> >
> > (Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as
> > Guam!)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
> > hour.
> >
> >
> > (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
> > for pleasure.
> >
> >
> > (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > The ant can lift 50 ti mes its own weight, can pull 30
> > times its own weight and Always falls over on its right
> > side When intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???)
> >
> >
> >
> > (Did the government pay For this research??)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > Butterflies taste with their feet.
> >
> >
> > < B>(Ah, geez.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> >
> >
> > (I know some people like that.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > Starfish don't have brains.
> >
> >
> > (I know som e people like that, too.)
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >
> >
> > And, the best for last?
> >
> > Turtles can breathe through their butts.
> >
> >
> > (And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)
> >

 

[casinosally0]

( my hubby's excuse)​

Catholic Upbringing​

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. ​

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. ​

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. ​

Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. ​

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!'

​

 

[casinosally0]

<TABLE class=EC_EC_MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">

DO YOU EAT HERSHEY CHOCOLATE?





</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

DO YOU EAT HERSHEY CHOCOLATE?​

We were raised on HERSHEY chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any . It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.





This is what happens when you eat HERSHEY chocolate!

​

​

 

[CareyG]

Haha those are funny Casinosally! Thanks for sharing!​

 

[moslowjj]

I think a ban on Hersheys is needed after theat picture..Ahaaaaaaaa

:hellno:hellno:hellno

 

[MotelPrisoner]

nevermind banning chocolate.....did anyone else notice the butt sniffin dogs?

 

[CareyG]

did anyone else notice the butt sniffin dogs?<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

Not until you mentioned it!! Ahahaha how funny!!​

 

[moslowjj]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
Upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down
And looked over the menu...

Raw Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The guy called his Friend over and asked,

"Why such A huge price difference for the politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
:hammer:hammer:hammer